An Anchor for My Soul

      This morning I found myself in a situation you think only happens to other people and you pray never happens to you.

      Making my way to work on an ordinary Thursday morning, I was driving along with everyone else who was trying to make it to work by 8:00 a.m. As you can imagine, there were many of us making our way along the 101 freeway thinking of nothing other than routine. As we sped along at average freeway speeds, thinking little of the fact that the roads were slick and slippery from the first big rain we had received the night before, I suddenly noticed that the long line of cars in front of me was coming to a dead stop. I slammed on my brakes and the quick spurt of adrenaline began to rush when I saw cars from the line in front of me swerving into the shoulder to avoid collisions. I realized my car was still moving too quickly to keep from hitting the vehicle in front of me. Before I could even respond to the realization of this imminent collision, my car began gliding in and out of the lane next to me, swerving wildly, yet smoothly as I realized my brakes were locked and I was no longer in control.
    
      My car began to rotate clockwise and I found myself sliding rapidly down the pavement, perpendicular to oncoming traffic and stretched across two lanes. Although it happened in the blink of an eye, from my view it was as if time started moving in slow motion. As I pummeled down the freeway sideways, I found my point of reference for where I had come from and I saw the enormous GMC truck that had been by my side when I lost control, now pummeling towards me. Time stood still when my eyes met the driver's and we exchanged looks of terror as he skidded down the highway trying with all his might to stop. As I watched this truck coming full steam towards me, quickly closing the short four foot gap between us with the army of cars following, it was at that moment with everything around me moving in slow motion that I thought, "This is it...I'm going to die. And if I make it through this, I'm about to be seriously injured," and I began to brace myself for the impact.

      My vehicle continued to spin taking me from sliding perpendicular to gliding down the highway backwards, nose to nose with this truck, to pointed at the center divide soaring across all three lanes of traffic and still stretched across two. As I bounced off the wall stretched along the slow lane, I looked to my left to see what was headed right for me. Again, I saw a fleet of cars panicking and struggling to stop in time; it was like the parting of the Red Sea. Miraculously, no vehicles made contact with me. The first thing out of my mouth when I realized it was over and I was okay was, "Praise the Shepherd!"

      Two police officers who had only caught the tail end of what had just happened pulled me over, which I was thankful for because as the shock and shaking began to set in, I was not ready to be driving again. They were so kind and simply wanted to make sure I was okay. Naturally, as the emotion and gravity of the situation caught up to me, I began to sob. I was definitely going to need to take a mental health day from work.

      Since this morning, I just keep replaying everything in my head and how differently things could have gone. After it was over, it was like I saw a vision of the devil and of Jesus both looking down over me. The enemy thinking that he was about to snatch a precious one away, waiting for what he thought was going to be the sweet taste of victory. But Christ firmly said no, he would not allow the enemy to place a hand on his daughter. "What the enemy intended as evil against me, God meant for good..." Gen. 50:20

      I keep comparing this morning to a similar accident that happened just yesterday on Highway 154, but those involved were not so lucky. One man lost his life on what he thought was just an ordinary day. Who would have thought that he would never get to hold his loved ones again. I am humbled when I think of all the precious people God has allowed to perish, and I cannot help but ask, "Why me? Why did I get so lucky today?" I just cannot fathom. There is no doubt in my mind that I was supernaturally protected by Him and His guardian angels.

      It is surreal to think about this false illusion of control that we so often have on our lives, when in reality, we control nothing; everything can be ripped from us in the blink of an eye. I am overwhelmed and humbled by the reality that this morning, in a second, Nick could have been left without a bride, my parents left without a daughter, my siblings without a sister, and my nieces and nephews with only a faint recollection of who their Auntie Becca was.

      We can all say we place our hope in Christ, but when faced with moments like today, it forces me to understand that necessity. We can be sure of nothing but Christ and we must place our hope in Him and Him only. Nick's hope of a future with me could have been ripped from him today. My parents dreams of who their daughter would grow to be may have been snatched away and kept from coming to fruition.

      I have no idea why I was one of the lucky ones, but I cannot deny the work of God's mercy and protection this morning. Everything could have been gone in an instant and I was standing face to face with this harsh truth only hours ago. It is a reminder to hold those you love close. Treasure those relationships, but place your hope in the only truth we have, Christ.

      Even when storms rage, the wind blows, and evil tries to have victory over us, I will be reminded that, "there's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail. There's an anchor for my soul, I can say it is well. Jesus has overcome, and the grave is overwhelmed. Victory is won, He is risen from the dead." - Chris Tomlin

      My hope is that, had things turned out differently this morning, those that love me could have spoken these words in truth, "There's an anchor for my soul, I can say that it is well."

Always Be a Dandelion

There is a song that I have listened to countless times and grown to love over the past four years, but the other day I thought about the lyrics in a new light. The lyrics to the chorus are:

"I am the fourth of July, I'm throwing you a fire in the sky.

You could go blind in my light. But you were looking for 

an orchid and I will always be a dandelion. You were 

looking for a tea light and I will always be a forest fire."

~"Dandelion" by Antje Duvekot

This song is about a love affair that I have always interpreted as the sad story of a woman who, no matter how hard she tried,  just is not good enough for the man she sings about. She is not what he wanted. Every time I hear it, my heart aches for her because she tries to be good enough, but cannot measure up to his expectations. The other day, however, as I listened to the song for the thousandth time, I suddenly identified with the singer. The song transformed from one of sadness and loss, to  one of hope and empowerment; suddenly I viewed the message differently. Instead of the singer being a girl who tries to win the affection of a man, but is not good enough for him, she is a woman who is her own. She is beautifully brilliant like a firework and her life is filled with color. Her life is so brilliant that it is out of the ordinary and not what others expected of her. The man had this idea in his head of what beauty and femininity ought to be; it is delicate and fragile like an orchid. His idea is the stereotypical idea of what society claims beauty is. The woman embodies something wholly different; she is like a plant that so many are intrigued by, that so many view as a symbol of their dreams. She is not put in the box of what stereotypical beauty is just on the surface. Instead, she embodies beauty that is captivating and deeply rooted, full of life, color and passion. This woman is not simply stationary in her life like so many expect her to be, but she allows herself to wander and be blown where her dreams may lead. She is not the pretty and petite, self-contained and timid tea light. She is magnificent and wild, roaring with passion and desire not easily extinguished. No, this woman is not the typical stereotype of a perfect woman, she is better, oh so much better! My pity shifted from her to the man who lets such a woman out of his hands.

I am this woman, love story aside, there is this box that I feel pressure to fit into, but my free-spirit, my dreams, my passion and my wildness cannot be contained. I'm sure I am not alone in this feeling. Society puts expectations on us as young women that we should act a certain way and want certain things,  but often we forget to question whether this is right for everyone. If you are at all like me (and if you aren't maybe you know someone who is able to relate) then you wonder why your dreams and goals and the adventures that you see up ahead seem unconventional and silly to the world, why some people view you as "too much." We must remember that we should not allow our passion to be squelched, but allow it to stand as an inspiration to others. When I graduated, I told someone my dreams and what I hoped for my future and he told me I was immature and naive, that I would grow out of those dreams. And while I may change my direction, I will never settle for the life that lacks fervor and adventure; longing for adventure is not naive, it is listening to the stirrings deep inside that we are often too afraid to listen to because they are unconventional. Whether or not this was the message the songwriter was trying to convey, the message is a necessary and beautiful one. Our fervor and inability to be tamed is captivating. The question is, how will we use it?

In a hurry

For the past few months I have found myself stressing about life and where I'm going. I've spent all of my spare time thinking about what I want to do for a career and how I want to spend the rest of my life. I've spent a lot of time "soul searching" and asking myself what my goals are, what I'm passionate about, how I want life to look in ten years and what I need to do to make that happen. I have always kept a long list of things that I would like to do after I graduate, but many of them are things that I want to do just for the adventure and experience of it, not things that will further me professionally. My list of "to-dos" is mostly comprised of activities, like working on a summer camp staff for example, that would only delay any type of lifelong career that I'm dreaming of, so I had pushed them aside.

As I reflect back on my mindset and how "the real world" has seemed since graduation six months ago, I realize that it has felt like a race. There is a stark contrast between this race and the slow and steady pace of my thirteen year preparation for my future out of school. The day those thirteen years came to a close, the maddening race began. At first the rush consisted of frantically looking for a job for right after graduation rushing. Once the job was secured, next was thinking at least a year ahead to graduate school, which degree, which state? What about networking? Where in my timeline is marriage and kids? What will my lifelong career be? Every step I take toward completing one goal, it is no time before I am frantically thinking about my next move. The second I grabbed hold of my diploma, the floodgates opened and I felt the pressure to have my whole life planned out, not allowing a single second to go to waste; a mindset that allows for no uncertainty. And while there is value in thinking and planning ahead and recognizing that decisions I make now may affect me down the road, I realized that if I continued at this rate and did not allow time for uncertainty and exploration, for adventure and following dreams that do not make sense for me professionally, I would always be tirelessly working to get ahead, but missing the point of it all, the journey. One day I would stand at the finish line looking back at abandoned dreams and lost opportunities and wondering why I was in such a hurry to arrive.

To gain some perspective, the other day I stepped back from my whirlwind of hastiness and asked myself, "So what? So what if you go to grad school two years later than you hoped? So what if you don't rush into the seriousness and commitment of a lifetime career yet?" I thought the answer would be, "It will change everything!" But when I answered honestly, there was relief in the conclusion that while my long-term goals would not be affected much, I would gain a great deal by allowing myself the time to pursue dreams I had pushed aside. I realized that once it's too late, once I have a mortgage and bills to pay and children's mouths to feed, I may look back and regret the season of my life when I had the freedom and ability to pursue my small dreams, but I let them pass me by.

This season is unique and should be cherished, not thrown to the wind. Hindsight is always 20/20, but when I look back I want to know that I dared to live and I dared to stay out of the box that society tells me my life should look like. This season is irreplaceable, take advantage of it, relish it, don't become so serious that you forget to enjoy the journey.

"First World Problems"

In the past few months, I have experienced the stark contrast between two different styles of life: being a full-time student and working full-time. While I was going to school, I always found myself looking forward to the days when I would be working 40 hours a week so that I would finally have time in the evenings and on weekends to do things. Now that I am in that stage of life, I constantly find myself daydreaming back to the days when I was in school and I remember all of the time I had throughout the day to get things done that I always took for granted. It's funny how perspectives change. The point is, that in every stage of life, it is so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day, the tasks and to-do lists, that we can lose focus on our ultimate goal. For example, being a student is of course about gaining an education, but that does not just mean gaining "booksmarts." Gaining an education and going away to school thankfully goes beyond textbooks and lectures and involves diverse elements woven together to make us the person we are when we graduate. Elements like, learning to live independently, learning to think critically, learning to challenge and explore ideas, learning to live harmoniously with others, some even learn financial planning, etc. But when it is 3:00 a.m. and you have a 20-page paper due the next day, it's easy to lose perspective and recognize that although important, the grade isn't everything. Similarly, while working full-time during the week, you see your co-workers, bosses, and to-do lists more than you see your family and friends. With this sort of time commitment, it's easy to keep your mind focused on the tasks at hand, even when you're not at work. What is so easy to forget is the reasons that so many of us work 40-hours a week in the first place. For many of us, it is to pay rent, to put food on the table, to have the resources to spend and enjoy time with family or friends, to have the resources to give yourself and maybe your family the lives that you dream of. Again, with so much business to get done it's easy to lose sight of the purpose.

Unfortunately, we often don't realize how devastating losing perspective is. When we lose perspective and get caught up in the day-to-day, we can lose sight of what's important, what has meaning, and what is truly significant. What a tragedy it is when one day we look around at our lives and we realize that we have mistaken life's little annoyances for great tribulations. By doing so, we allow our lives to have less joy and less compassion, something the world doesn't have enough of. Conversely, anyone who has experienced this knows how beautiful the joy is when we do gain perspective on a situation and realize how blessed we are to have on of our biggest troubles be the shattered screen on our brand new iphone 5 that we were fortunate enough to have the money to buy.

 In no way am I trying to discredit or brush over the true sufferings that life can plunge you into against your will. There are so many individuals who do suffer deeply because of life's circumstances. It is knowing that this authentic tribulation exists that should ground us with awareness and cause us to count our blessings. When we get frustrated or torn up about something, we may do ourselves well to stop and gain some perspective on the situation. Being frustrated about situations may often be warranted, but inflating the magnitude of the circumstances helps no one. In taking time to step back from our circumstances, although they may be unpleasant, we may become thankful that whatever our trouble is may be the worst of our worries and walk away with an enriched life full of compassion for those who may be deeply stuggling.

Reflecting on the importance and beauty of stepping back to gain perspective on situations causes me to think about the trendy phrase, "First world problems." This phrase is intended to do exactly what I have been talking about, give us perspective on our problems and help us recognize that many of our complaints are things that many individuals in third-world countries don't have the luxury of worrying about. If spoken out of love, the implications of this phrase could be powerful and encouraging. A compassion for the great struggles of others may rise up in us as we realize how fortunate we are to have many of the resources that we do. Sadly, I have yet to hear this phrase spoken in love; I have all too often heard it used instead in sarcastic, condescending, or belittling ways. Instead of conveying the message, "I know what you're dealing with is frustrating, but think of how wonderful your life is and all you have," it instead conveys, "Your problems are insignificant and don't matter, you really shouldn't even be upset about something so small." These two messages are completely opposites. The most devastatingly ironic part of this is that the purpose of this phrase, whether said with love or said condescendingly, is intended to invoke compassion for those who suffer through true hardship (whether in a first-world or third-world country), but by saying this phrase in any way other than an encouragement, the message itself defeats its own purpose. What I mean, is the purpose of the statement is to help people gain perspective of their situation and give them compassion for the problems of others, but by belittling someone through this statement, the person who says it, lacks the very compassion for the feelings and struggles of others that he or she is trying to instill.

Before we point out the lack of awareness and compassion of our friends and family, we need to first work on our own. We should be encouraging each other and building each other up, rather than tearing each other down. What joy and compassion for others would be restored to our lives if we not only took the time in frustrating moments to step back and look at our annoyances in the scope what tribulations are possible, but also decided to take a stance of compassion and true awareness of others and to be encouraging instead of disheartening.

Beauty for Ashes

The concept of beauty is something that, as women, we are faced with every day. Whether we realize it or not, everywhere we turn, media is telling us what beauty is, from magazine articles describing the next best beauty product, to songs with lyrics that paint sensuous women, to billboards of airbushed and digitally altered women for companies advertising anti-wrinkle cream. We all too often buy clothing that is meant to accent and flaunt certain areas of our body so that we look sexy and feel confident. But what we fail to realize is that by purchasing such clothing that is designed to show just a little more than may be necessary, we are buying into the dark and twisted lie that society continually feeds us: We are only as valuable as our sexual desirability.

It is not just the idea of how to be beautiful that is twisted, it is what we are told the very definition of beauty is. You see, beauty is no longer viewed as something you are, but beauty has shifted to something you do. Once we realize how we have been taught to view beauty, we can understand why we never feel quite beautiful enough; it's hopeless. Because we view beauty as something we do, we can never do enough of it. We think, "If I could be a little tanner, a little thinner, slightly more defined, have slightly larger breasts, have a complexion that is a little more clear, have a little less cellulite, have a little whiter teeth..." and the list only continues. It's no wonder we never feel quite good enough.

This brings me to the second issue. Beyond having a skewed understanding of beauty itself, we are mislead in our understanding of how to feel beautiful. We are lead to think that our beauty is found, discovered, and seen by others and it is only when others view us as beautiful that it must be true and we can therefore believe it ourselves. This too seems hopeless. Sure, people will often validate your beauty and make you feel worthy of viewing yourself as beautiful, but what about those times that they don't? The problem is, when you give someone the power to validate you, you also allow them the power to invalidate you. If we base our worth in the way people view us, what happens when they fail to validate us? Will we allow this to change the way we view ourselves when we look in the mirror?

Now, I'm not talking about individuals we may not like, or really even know, I'm talking about individuals whose opinions matter to us, whose opinions we trust. Maybe nine out of ten times they validate our beauty, but because they are only human, they will let us down at some point. Will we let that one time change how we view ourselves? How can we sit around waiting for someone to tell us we are beautiful before we feel so?

In thinking about the concept of beauty, I tried to recall women that I have found captivatingly beautiful and understand the common threads between them. I found that all the women I viewed as gorgeous, confidently viewed themselves as such before I ever did. The women I have found the most beautiful are women who are not at all conceited or vain, but still view themselves as beautiful, take pride in who they are, and do not place their worth in the fragile hands of others. Others looking at these women from a distance may have said that their looks were nothing out of the ordinary, but it was not their face value (forgive the pun) that was striking; instead it was the way that each woman carried herself because of the true source of her self-worth and self-image. It was this deeply rooted view of her beauty that emanated out of her in every aspect of who she was that caused her to be absolutely radiant. It was not from others viewing her as beautiful that made her feel so, rather it was because she viewed herself as such that everyone else could not help but see her beauty.

To find the real truth in complete beauty, this seemingly unattainable characteristic, we must change our mindset and the source of our self-worth. We must have a strong foundation for our own self-image before we ever allow someone the opportunity to invalidate us. We are worth more than being ruled by the notions of others. We must find our worth in something much more deeply rooted than man could ever offer. Maybe then we will find the true meaning of beauty, allowing it to emanate and radiate from us, rather than allowing ourselves to be sold the cheapened version that society offers.

Getting to the Point

As a recent college graduate, my life has been full of transitions, some more expected than others. With graduation comes moving out and away from what has been home for the past four years, finding a new home or returning to your old roots, searching for a job or looking toward grad school...the list only continues. My journey involved moving back home, letting go of some of my independence (not to mention pride), settling in to a 40-hour work week, doing something new, but by no means invigorating, coping with being surrounded by few friends, and letting go of spontaneity. I know I am one of many who have been thrown into what parents and professors have up until now referred to as "the real world," learning how to swim, or what I would like to refer to as catching dandelions. Someone once told me that every time she made a wish on a dandelion and watched the seeds disperse through the air, she pictured each seed as a different one of her dreams being taken and swept up with the breeze. This imagery always stuck with me as I remembered being a young girl hoping with everything in me that my dandelion wish would come true. Up until graduation from college, we spend our lives dreaming of when we grow up and are no longer in school and how we want to spend our lives thereafter. I am in the midst of searching, as I know so many others are currently, will be in the future, or may remember being in long ago. This blog will simply be my written journey of processing through my twenties and trying to catch those dandelions that hold my dreams and make them a reality.